I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
