dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
