I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
