i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
