i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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