You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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