Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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