Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
