It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
