I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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