I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
