I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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