Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize