She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
