if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
