someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
