Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I did not marry a roomba.
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