There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
