After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
