if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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