the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We need to get me chipped asap
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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