I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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