Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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