PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
