The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
