I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
