I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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