She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
