I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
