So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
