Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We need to get me chipped asap
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
