I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
