so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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