I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
