I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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