saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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