I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
