Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your cock deserves a montage
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
