I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize