I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
