hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You are the jesus of drinking
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
