I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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