I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
