Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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