you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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