turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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