I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't deserve a penis
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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