My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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