$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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