standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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