God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
