As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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