she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
