Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
