omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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