Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
