new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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