No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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