I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
