I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
