You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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